cosmosextips Crap 'n Dash: Turn a one-night-stand into a night he'll NEVER forget! Decide you're going to have a night out with your girls, and pregame like you mean it. Before leaving the house, eat a massive salad with tons of leafy greens, protein and veggies, then down at least 4 shots of any hard alcohol of your choosing. This way, when you arrive at the bar you'll have a healthy buzz going AND food to pad your stomach!!! Order a beer and a shot, then look around and pick a hot guy to bang later. Order another beer and offer it to him. He will be so SHOCKED that a woman is buying him a drink that he will want to talk to you all night! Keep chugging beers and shots until you approach brown-out territory, then grab your hottie by the face, make out with him for 10 full seconds and say "Let's take this party to your place," in your huskiest voice. Once you're at his pad, rip off his clothes and fuck his brains out while you scream his name. Don't be afraid to call him "Jim" or "Todd" or "Eric" (or whatever your ex's name may be) if you feel like mixing things up! Pass out immediately after you cum, then wake up at 6am and quietly make yourself a strong cup of coffee. If the hottie doesn't have coffee, sneak out and get some, but make sure to leave his door unlocked so you can let yourself back into his place! Drink the coffee, smoke one cigarette and wait a few minutes until you feel like you're brewing a Venti of your own, then take a massive dump in the hottie's bathroom. Instead of flushing, leave it be! Sneak out of his place and never contact him again. After pulling this little move, he'll be obsessed with you for all eternity!!!! Side note: In order to execute the perfect morning-after brew, it's imperative that you be as hungover as possible. So drink up, girl!!!!!! Cheers! 🍻#CosmoSexTip

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cosmosextips Get On a Butt-get: Arguing about money is the #1 problem in most relationships–until now! Make your man a candlelit dinner, and tell him that you're finally ready to get anal about your finances 😉, but that the only way you can do it is with his help! Your man will LOVE being able to assist you with achieving your dreams! Have your lawyer draft an agreement stating that, for every financial milestone you hit, your man MUST reward you by making a sexual fantasy of yours come true. For example, every time you save $1000, you get to participate in an Eiffel Tower with your man and his BFF! Every time you pay off your credit card balance in-full, you get to strap on a dildo and peg your man! If you settle your college loans, you get to star in a gang bang with your man and all his work buddies! If you meet your 401K contribution limit, you get to tie your man up and pour hot wax on his genitals while all your GF's watch, then post the video on the internet! If your man refuses to sign the document, make a sad face and tell him he's no fun, and propose that he give you $50,000 instead. If he says that he doesn't have $50,000 to spare, STOP reading this, BREAK UP with him, and RECONSIDER YOUR LIFE CHOICES. Go on an Eat, Pray, Love journey and don't come back until you've decided that you'll only date millionaires from here on out. You're worth it, sister! #CosmoSexTip

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cosmosextips Free Willy: This one's for Tilikum (RIP sweet prince). Take your man to the beach for a beautiful sunset walk along the shore. After the sun goes down, wink at your man and tell him that you want to go skinny dipping. First one naked into the ocean wins! When he's stripped down and running into the waves, follow him in and capture him with a net! Drag him to shore and throw him into a kiddie pool you've filled with water, then shoot him with a tranquilizer gun! While he's passed out, light a bonfire and perform an ancient shamanic ritual to summon the spirit of our fallen soldier (Tilikum) and transfer Tilikum's spirit into your man's body! Burn some sacred herbs over the bonfire and blow the smoke into your man's face, awakening him from his slumber. He will be so wild-eyed from inhabiting the spirit of Tilikum and so aroused from being in captivity that he will DEFINITELY be ready to fuck! Straddle him and ride his dick while chanting more beautiful orca prayers. He will begin to thrash about–don't be scared, that means the prayers are working!!! The tide should be rising by now, so start jerking your man off and making deep, guttural killer whale sounds at the top of your lungs. As your man begins to cum (and ohhhhhh boy will he cum HARD) wait for a massive wave to roll in, then puncture the kiddie pool with a homemade dagger, sending your man's body out to sea, and releasing Tilikum's spirit back into the wild where it belongs. Your man will likely drown if you leave him in the ocean for too long, so be sure to rescue him asap. You don't want get in trouble for murder, hon! Not only will this sexy tip honor Tilikum's tragic life, it's also a great opportunity to practice your CPR skills! #CosmoSexTip

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cosmosextips Patriot Games: Give your republican bf the fuck of a lifetime! Go to a tanning bed and get a deep, sensual base tan, then get a thick spray tan over it in order to achieve an orange, sexy glow! Have your hair person chop your mane into a long pixie cut, then tell them you want a "fry and dry." If they don't know what that is, fire them! Rehire them and explain that a "fry and dry" is when you bleach your hair platinum blonde and dry it at an extra high heat so it becomes a stiff fluff! March your tan, newly blonde ass home where your man will no doubt be waiting for you to unveil your new look! Tell him to strip naked, then have an artist you hired paint his entire body to look like the American flag! This might take a few hours. If your man complains, scream at him to be patient!!!!! Straight men love it when women yell, so he'll probably get a boner. If he gets a boner, slap it until it goes away. Keep repeating the boner slap until the artist is done with your man's body paint. When your man is fully painted, refuse to pay the artist and tell them to GTFO of your house or else you're going to call the cops! Then write a terrible Yelp review of their services. Your authoritative attitude will be the turn-on of the CENTURY! Now it's time to bang. Strap on a teeny tiny dildo that you've dipped in Cheeto® dust and make your man lick it. Yum!! Now bend your man over and fuck him in the butt at maximum rabbit speed!!! Your teeny peenie will tickle his prostate in the most delicious way possible, and he will have no choice but to cum!!!!! As soon as he does, tell him "I didn't know you were a homo. Sad!" Break up with him on the spot, wish him luck getting gay married and send him packing. You'll be the one hot, tan blonde he NEVER forgets! #CosmoSexTip

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cosmosextips ¡The Ay Carumba! Refuse to have sex with your man for at least a week. Once the seven day dry spell is up, wake up at 6am and quietly head down to the kitchen. Chop up one jalapeño, slice a lime and place them on a cutting board with a pinch of salt and a dollop of agave nectar. Bring your cutting board upstairs and set it on the bedside table. Now, slooooooowly peel the sheets off your man's bod and take off his boxers, making sure not to wake him!! Start stroking his penis gently, urging it to come to life! Use the agave nectar as lube, and when your man starts to get hard, grab a lime and squeeze it onto his dick, then lightly roll the ridge of the head in the salt. Take 3 jalapeño seeds and place them into your man’s urethra, then start to blow him! The spicy sensations from the food will drive him LOCO, and you’ll have a mouthful of caliente margarita mix in no time!!!!! #CosmoSexTip

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cosmosextips Let Us Lay: Just because it's The Lord's Day doesn't mean you can't get a little freaky! Mix things up the next time you're in church with your man and his family by slipping a hand into your man's chinos and tickling his butt. Cover up his boner with a bible so no one knows you're getting naughty in God's house. If your man resists, put your hand over his mouth and whisper "Shhhhhh, our bodies are vessels for Christ," then take his hand and slide it up your skirt. Continue touching each other until you both start to climax, then jump up and yell "In Jesus' name, amen!" when you start to cum. The congregation will be so impressed by your passion and enthusiasm that everyone will be turned on af–especially the priest! When it's time to take communion, suck on his fingers as he places a wafer in your mouth and whisper "There's nothing I love more than the body of Christ." The priest will LOVE your dedication to God, trust! Chug some holy wine, make eye contact with your man's mom and dad and tell them "The Holy Spirit has moved you." Grab a little cash from collection plate and stuff a couple dollar bills in an old lady's waistband to make her feel young again. Find a church hottie, throw yourself on him (or her) and start speaking in tongues! Who says church has to be boring?! Your shenanigans will make this a Sunday Funday no one ever forgets, you sexy little devil, you! #CosmoSexTip

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cosmosextips The Hangover Cure: Did bae have a little too much to drink last night and pass out naked? That's okay! Don't let your man's drinking problem get in the way of getting the brunch you deserve!! Make a smoothie with the following ingredients: 2 shots of tequila, fresh pineapple, wheatgrass, celery, a raw egg, bee pollen, maca powder and cordyceps (don't ask questions just google these ingredients, buy them and make sure they're in there). Top it off with some Fiji water ice cubes and blend away!!!! Force your man to drink the smoothie down, then feed him a Klonopin and have him relax while you give him a massage. Work your way down to his crotch and tug on his balls a little bit. When he gets an erection, punch him in the stomach and the dick at the same time! While your man is doubled over and morning in pain, pull down his pants and ram your dry index finger into his asshole! The lack of lube will send shockwaves throughout his entire body, causing him to throw up all the alcohol from the night before. When he's done barfing, rip the rest of your man's clothes off and shove him into a scalding hot shower for 30 minutes. By the time his shower is complete, he'll be good as new AND ready to take you out for mimosas and french toast like the princess you are! Everyone wins! #CosmoSexTip

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cosmosextips Crash Into Me: Before your man leaves for work, break into his car and disable his seatbelt. Buy four mattresses and four sets of satin sheets and bring them out to a deserted field–preferably one with lots of wildflowers! Change into your sexiest lingerie and send your man a text saying you've been abducted! Drop a pin so he knows where you are, and tell him to come save you NOW because it's an EMERGENCY!!!!! Your man will get on the road immediately and start speeding towards where you are. Track his location, (if you aren't location sharing with your man then you aren't in a real relationship, FYI) and keep sending him scary texts like "The murderers are hurting me!" and "I think I'm going to die!" so that he picks up the damn pace! When he gets about 200 feet from where you are, have your BFF suddenly drive her car out in front of him, causing him to T-bone her vehicle! The broken seatbelt will cause your man to go flying through the windshield, and land on one of the satiny mattresses, where you'll be waiting to reward him for his bravery. Wipe the blood off his face and remove any stray shards of glass that might've stuck to him. The adrenaline from surviving the crash will make your man extra horny, so grab your his rock-hard boner and give him the long, wet kiss he deserves! He'll fuck you in the field all night long! If you're up for a threesome, invite your BFF to join! And don't worry about the wrecked cars–that's what insurance is for. Duh! #CosmoSexTip

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cosmosextips Pump Tower: Gather as many illegal immigrants as you can, and invite them over to your place for a wild, all night orgy! Ply them with alcohol and ecstasy punch (1 pint of pure MDMA, 10 packets of Kool Aid and 4 gallons of ice cold water) to get the party started. Make sure there are plenty of cervezas on-hand so that the party can last all night long. While you're busy sucking and fucking the night away, invite all the die hard Republican members of your girl squad come over and erect a massive wall around your property! Only YOU will have the key to your orgasm fortress, which means all the illegals will be locked in, lubed up, and ready to be deported at a moment's notice! You'll be a Trump-endorsed American hero and written about in history books for YEARS to cum!!! What could possibly be sexier than that?! #CosmoSexTip

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cosmosextips Cunt-agion: Next time you're under the weather and your man wants to come over to nurse you back to health–let him, honey!!!! Just because you have a deadly sinus infection doesn't mean a hot romp in the sheets is off the table! After your man has spoon-fed you chicken noodle soup, rubbed your back, changed your sheets and drawn you a hot epsom salt bath, it's your turn to reward him by taking things from sick to sexy! Light some candles and tell your man to get naked. Then tie him to the bed blindfolded so he can't move and is fully at your mercy! Fill a Neti Pot with a warm saline solution and irrigate your nasal cavities, draining them all over his naked body. The warm, mucous-filled liquid will tantalize his erogenous zones and create a slippery natural lubricant that you can use for erotic massage and full-blown digital penetration into his nether regions. He will love a slimy finger in the ass/handjob combo, trust! Then take things up a notch and ride him while blowing your nose and sneezing all over him. If your man likes you so much that he's willing to hang with you while you're looking like a diseased Gwyneth who's about to keel over and die, he's definitely down for a sneeze fuck. Bonus points if he catches your virus. The bond of seeing you go from sick to sex goddess using only your bodily fluids as lube (and then infecting him) will create a long lasting intimacy for years to come!!!!! #cosmosextip

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