cosmosextips Mad About You: Get 5150'd for a weird misunderstanding between you and your crush involving the death of his kitten, Boo Boo. It's not your fault the voices in your head told you to kill Boo Boo and use her blood as ink to write a sonnet to the object of your affection! While you're in the mental institution, accept that you are indeed an artist but that SOME PEOPLE (your state-issued therapist) might not view you in that light. Cheek your meds and sell them to Aileen, the alcoholic housewife with a Valium addiction. Use the money she gives you to buy a hand-made shiv from Brenda, the old homeless lady whose family sent her there to live out the rest of her days in a padded cell. Cry a lot in group therapy and write a letter of apology to your crush, the policemen who arrested you and the judge who sentenced you. Explain to everyone who will listen that you "want to change your life for the better and be a positive role model for young women with mental problems." Secretly know that you have zero mental problems. You are simply enlightened and living on a higher plane of understanding! Get released from the facility early for good behavior. Wait until dark, then head over to your crush's house. Once you're on his doorstep, take Brenda's shiv out of your pocket and completely give yourself over to the voices. You'll definitely black out but just trust that the voices know what's best! When you finally come to, your hands might be covered in blood, but that won't matter because you'll be on the freeway headed towards a new city where you can assume a new identity, and reclaim the fun, flirty life you had before you fell in love! #CosmoSexTip
cosmosextips ChipotLAY: Get your girlfriends to come over and help you cook 20 lbs of shredded chicken, pinto beans and brown rice. Now lay out one of those foil blankets that EMTs use on frostbitten rescue victims and throw a gigantic flour tortilla on top of it. Lie down naked in the middle of the tortilla and have your GFs pour the rice, beans and chicken over your body. Top it all off with a few pounds of medium salsa, corn salsa, sour cream, cheese, shredded lettuce and guac (it's super important to include the guacamole. Spare no expense for your man!) and have them roll you up into a sexy human burrito! Scrumptious!!!! Once they've secured the wrapping foil, they can transport you to your man's house in the back of an Uber SUV. Make your sketchiest friend pick the lock and have all of them carry you inside and place you in the middle of the living room. When your man gets home, he'll be psyched to see that dinner is SERVED! Once he eats his way to your body, the two of you can have sloppy burrito sex for hours. Healthy Option: Skip the flour tortilla and opt for a bathtub human burrito bowl moment to keep things gluten free! #CosmoSexTip
cosmosextips Lil' Bae Bae: This role-playing exercise is sure to bring you and your man closer together and open up the flow of communication. When your man gets home from work, run up to him, throw your arms around his waist and exuberantly yell "Dada!" in a coy, suggestive baby voice! If he gives you a confused look, just look back at him with wide innocent eyes and say, "Dada?" then crawl away to the bedroom. When he sees you lying on the bed, wearing a diaper and sucking on a pacifier, he'll definitely understand that he's your daddy tonight! Have him make you a baba and give you a bath, then make a doody before you go night night so he has to change your diapy! The next morning, reward him with a hearty blowjob. He will love you for giving him the opportunity to show you that he can be a dependable and responsible nurturer. Instead of fighting with your man, you can always slip back into baby mode by uttering a simple "Dada?" whenever you feel like he's not taking good enough care of you, i.e. refusing to take you shopping, buy you a car, a house or dinner for that matter! "Dada?" is the best way to communicate that you have needs that must be met in order for you to feel safe without having to be a bitch or get angry about the situation. Conversely, you can also use "Dada!" as positive reinforcement to express delight or happiness with your man's actions, like when he buys you flowers, a puppy or makes you squirt! #CosmoSexTip
cosmosextips Couples Cosby Yoga: Make yourself a delicious broccoli, cheddar, garlic and onion omelette with a side of beans and wash it all down with a giant bottle of kombucha. Yum! Now invite your crush to a private, hot yoga lesson for two. Wear your cutest sports bra/legging combo to show off that provocative bod of yours and make him want to get close! When you've gotten into a position where your ass is near his head, release the mega fart that's been bubbling up inside of you since breakfast. The noxious fumes combined with the 99 degree room will be sure to knock your crush right out, and then the real fun can begin! His body is now your playground to touch, suck and fuck to your little heart's content. Just make sure to slip the yoga instructor some cold hard cash so he keeps his lips sealed. Or don't and let him join in on the fun! There's nothing hotter than waking up to a sexy lady and a random yoga dude playing with your privates. Your crush will come to, then come all over you! #CosmoSexTip
cosmosextips Flirty & Squirty: When the shower head just won't cut it anymore, it's time to pack your bags and head to the nearest SeaWorld®! There you will find loads of fun activities, as well as happy, chill aquatic creatures who are ready to help you be your sexiest self. Buy a day pass and spend the afternoon taking in the sights, riding the rides and building up your anticipation for the orgasm of a lifetime. When the sun's gone down and you're super horny, head over to see Shamu's Celebration: Light Up the Night®! Get there early so you can grab a front row seat. Start doing kegels and engaging in some light, over-the-pants rubbing while you watch Shamu do his thing, and right before the fireworks finale, rip off your clothes and run as fast as you can onto the main stage area. Make sure to wear a wetsuit underneath your outfit so you don't get too chilly! Use a stun gun to disable the security guards and the trainers so they won't interfere with your mission. Grab the bucket of fish and lure Shamu in to greet you, then mount him and ride him out to the middle of the show pool! Hold on tight as he dives under water. When he breaches the surface and the fireworks are going crazy, unzip the crotch of your wetsuit and let Shamu's blowhole take you to O-Town! #CosmoSexTip
cosmosextips Sexy For Sale: It's time to put your pussy (and your butthole) on a pedestal! Ask your sluttiest friend if she can get you in touch with some billionaires (preferably ones who live in Dubai). Once you've been connected, reach out to them and see if they'd like to host a party where you can auction off your bod to the highest bidder. The person who pays the most money gets an all-holes sex slave for a week! Honesty is what keeps a relationship strong, so definitely bcc your man on all email correspondences with the Dubai cuties so he knows what's up. If he protests, kindly tell him to back off. You're trying to lean in, be an independent woman and make your own money, honey! If your man cares about you, he'll either outbid everyone or sit back and let you do your thang. Invite sheiks, princes, oil heirs, shipping heirs, Russian oligarchs, Bill Gates and any other random rich people you know to the party so that you can drive up your pussy price! Invite your man too so he won't feel left out of the festivities. Make sure the Dubai peeps book you a round trip, first class ticket on Emirates airlines. 🚨SAVVY TRAVELER ALERT🚨: Sign up for their frequent flier program in advance to make the most out of those miles! Your man can fly coach on his own dime. Once you're settled in whatever palace you're staying at and the jet lag has worn off, get waxed, put on some diamond-encrusted lingerie and get ready for your payday! Your man might be a little steamed about this light prostitution moment, but he'll certainly calm down once you're back home a week later with $492,366 in your checking account. #CosmoSexTip
cosmosextips 💌 Love Notes 💌: The only way to get the man of your dreams is to make your feelings KNOWN! Take yourself out for a flirty solo drink. Once you're a little sauced, go for a walk down a dark alley. Find a lonely vagrant and lure him back to your house with the promise of a hot shower, a warm meal and a sexy romp in the sack! When you finally get him alone, murder him! Use a medium-sized handsaw to chop off the dead vagrant's limbs, then lovingly wrap them up in lavender scented garbage bags and ship them to your top five crushes with a coy little note. Something like "Hey there cutie, you drive me crazy. Let's go on a date? Smooch! xoxo" is perfect because it's short, sweet and not too intense. Be confident. You've got this, sister! #CosmoSexTip
cosmosextips Walking Head: Use this hot tactic to get your man comfortable with the idea of being a daddy! Go to the nearest BabiesЯUs and purchase the largest stroller you can find (preferably a four-seater) and a soft, comfy blanket. Now order two lifelike baby dolls from Reborns.com. Congratulations on being one hot mama! For ultra-realistic spawn, make sure to pick out babies that look just like you and your man. Place your twins in the front two seats of the stroller and hide in the back seat under a blanket. Cut a hole in the back of the stroller that's big enough for your man's dick to fit through, then get him hard and service him orally while he takes your newborn babies for a walk around the neighborhood! When he's finished cumming, lie back and relax while he strolls the whole family home. This sexy tip also doubles as a great way to tell your man you're pregnant with quadruplets. Just be sure to drop the bomb post-orgasm so he won't get mad, and put some tape over the HJ hole after you give birth. 😉 #CosmoSexTip
cosmosextips STD Roulette: If you've been with your man for more than a year, chances are he's pretty bored of your puss and is looking for someone new to bone. 💁🏼 Instead of allowing him to cheat and have all the fun, throw yourself into the mix! Hire a handful of hookers from Craigslist, a Four Seasons' Bar, and a random street corner and invite them to party n' play with you and your man for a long weekend at the Airbnb of his choice! Once everyone's arrived and gotten settled in, pop a celebratory, "Welcome to the Fuckfest" bottle of champagne and pass around a little ice for everyone to smoke so they can get in the mood to bone for three days straight. Line up the prosties so your man can plow them one by one, and when he's had his fill, it's time for you to embark on your own sexcapade with each of them. If any of the hookers want to call their dealers/pimps/boyfriends to come over, let them! Your only rule this weekend is the more the merrier! Have fun and be free. Just be sure to make your man wear a condom...or throw caution to the wind and don't! You might catch a lil' something, but the couple that takes antibiotics (or Valtrex, or HIV meds, or Penicillin) together, stays together. Sometimes forever! #CosmoSexTip
cosmosextips Easter Hunny: Start having an affair with a hot doctor and bribe him with sex in exchange for diagnosing your man with testicular cancer in BOTH testicles. Once your man's testes have been removed, ask Hot Doc to put the balls in a doggy bag so you can take them to go! Now dress up in your sexiest bunny costume and organize an Easter egg hunt for one to cheer your man up. Dye his dried up nuts an array of vibrant pastels, and hide them in a sexy spot that only you know about. When he finally discovers his “Easter eggs,” allow a single tear to roll down your cheek and tell him that you love him just the way he is, balls or no balls. Then rip off his pants and fuck him like the horny little rabbit you are! Your man will be blown away by your unwavering commitment to him, and he'll love your creative, DIY spirit. And as for Hot Doc? Keep him around, honey! He can be your naughty little secret AND a great back up plan in case things with your man start to fizzle out. #CosmoSexTip
