cosmosextips The 5150: If your man's been paying a little too much attention to work and not enough attention to you, this is a great way to get close again! Invite him over for a cozy, low-key pizza night and dose his slices with an ounce of magic mushrooms when he's not paying attention (aka checking his iPhone 😡). After about 30 minutes, he'll start to hallucinate and question his very existence, and that's when you need to hold him tightly and tell him you don't know what's going on, but everything's going to be all right. Slip away and call 911 while he's curled up and bawling in the fetal position. Tell them you're worried about your man and that you want to report him as being a threat to himself and others! Hang with him until the police arrive to place him under an involuntary psychiatric hold, but don't fret. There will be all sorts of cute activities planned for him while he's in the mental hospital for 72 hours: anal cavity searches, anti-psychotic injections, art therapy sessions, being placed in physical restraints if he tries to get violent, and most of all, lots of time to think about how much he desperately misses YOU. Contact your man's family, friends and coworkers to let them know he's had some problems but he's getting the help he needs. On the day he's supposed to be released, pick him up from the hospital wearing only a trench coat and heels. Tell him you forgive him for his random/scary mental breakdown, and reassure him that you'll always be there for him no matter what. Now pull over on the side of the road, rip off that trench, and rock his world with the Welcome Home fuck of his dreams! He'll be so inspired by your sexy devotion to him that you'll be his top priority from here on out. #CosmoSexTip
cosmosextips Wild Wild West: When you're on your period and your flow is at its heaviest, grab your man because it's time to get it on! Start by getting him hard with a blowjob, then get fully naked and straddle him while grinding on his dick. When you both can't take anymore foreplay and are ready to fuck, quickly pull out your tampon with your right hand, and use your left hand to shove his penis inside of you. Now swing the tampon around your head like a lasso and ride your man like the sexy bucking bronco he is! You go, (cow)girl! Be sure not to tell him that your Aunt Flo's in town before you bone so that it's an extra special surprise. When he's about to come, squeeze the tampon out all over his chest and smear the blood around with your tits. He'll be so turned on by the slippery, blood-on-skin-on-skin sensation that he'll EXPLODE! This fun, flirty move will turn your period into an exclamation point!!!!!!!!!!!!! #CosmoSexTip
cosmosextips Kitty Surprise: It's time to get kinky, you little vixen you! Buy a sex swing and install in your man's bedroom while he's at work. Get dolled up in some latex Catwoman lingerie, find a hiding spot, and wait for him to come home. When your man walks in and sees his sexy, surprise swing, pounce on him and claw his clothes off while licking his neck and chest. Ask him in a sultry voice if he "wants the meow meow special." His answer will definitely be yes! When he's fully naked and aroused, blindfold him and seat him in the swing with his feet in the stirrups and his hands over his head. Adjust the height of swing until it's hanging low and your man's balls are hovering an inch or two off the ground. Now, release a small litter of feral kittens from a hidden cage under the bed and watch your man writhe in ecstasy as they bat his testicles around like two hairy balls of yarn while you jerk him off. Not only will it be a deviant night he never forgets, it'll also mark your first night together as kitty foster parents! #CosmoSexTip
cosmosextips The Savior: Quit your job. Stop paying your rent, mortgage, car payments, and taxes. Max out all your credit cards and stop paying off those bills too! When collectors start calling, ignore them! Get evicted, get your car repossessed, and definitely get the IRS to place a tax lien on any property you own. Develop a drug habit. Cocaine is pretty good. Pills and heroin are great too, but you could also be adventurous and do whatever drugs you can get your hands on! Blow through your savings and liquefy your 401k. Slowly slip into soul-crushing debt and life-threatening addiction. Become a homeless person! Buy a tent and steal a shopping cart from your local dollar store so you can cart around what little belongings you have left. Permanently relocate to Skid Row. Sell your body to strangers for drug money. If your man doesn't show up in a limo to rescue you from your derelict, hobo life, nurse you back to health both physically and financially, and ask you to marry him, then SCREW HIM! He obviously wasn't that into you in the first place. #CosmoSexTip
cosmosextips The Pore Cleanser: Refuse to fuck your man until he loses some weight and put him on a strict vegetarian diet, starting NOW. Make sure he eats tons of fruits and veggies including plums, celery, kiwi, mangoes, apples, grapes, strawberries, spinach and drinks lots of water, cranberry and pineapple juice. NO alcohol, garlic or asparagus! If your man complains, teach him a lesson by "accidentally" letting him catch you masturbating to pictures of hot guys who kind of look like him. Once he's been eating clean for at least three weeks, reward him with a steamy romp in the bedroom! Have him pull out and come into your hands, then apply his cum evenly to your face, avoiding your eye area, eyebrows, hairline and lips. Thanks to his diet, his semen will be chock full of nutrients, making for a nourishing face mask! Leave the mask on for 10-20 minutes or until dry, then gently peel off and rinse your face with warm water. Repeat two times a week, or as often as needed. Your skin will glow, and your man will be more attracted to you than ever before! #CosmoSexTip
cosmosextips Vagina Full of Grace: It's time to take control of your life and show your man you can make some money, honey! Book a one-way flight to Juarez, Mexico. Once you arrive, call +52 656-366-9925 and ask to speak to Diego. When he answers, say "¡Quiero trabajar!" and arrange a meeting. Have Diego and his crew pack your body full of the latest, chicest drugs. Make sure to sample some of the goods before you fully mule up so you know they're legit, but don't go too crazy or you might end up dancing el mambo muerte! You might want to sleep with Diego and a few of his cohorts to ensure that they'll take special care of you, but remember that it DOESN'T count as cheating if it's for your job security. Once you've been stuffed full of drugs, it's time for your journey across the border. Start off with a simple, walking border cross, and graduate to larger orders/flying the friendly skies once your stomach and insides have grown and adapted to your new muling career. Collect the airline miles for a free trip later! If you really want to show your man you can bring home the bacon, don't quit your new job until you've made at least 300-500k. And remember, prison is not sexy so whatever you do, DON'T get caught! #CosmoSexTip
cosmosextips The Negotiator: Prenup? More like preNOPE! If your man tries to get crazy before the wedding and slide some legal papers your way, invite him over for a glass of wine and gently explain that you'll need time to look everything over before you sign anything. Then give him a hearty blowjob! After he's climaxed, tell him you need your beauty rest and send him on his way. Once you're alone, take the prenup he gave you, rip it into tiny pieces and eat it. Low cal AND filling! Skip dinner, go to bed and digest. The next morning, poop out the prenup into a manila folder, and have it delivered via a messenger service to your man's office. He'll know you mean business and he WON'T pull that kind of stunt again. #CosmoSexTip
cosmosextips Sexual Artistry: Social justice? Zzzzzzzzzzz! Grab your man, escape all the protests and head on down to Miami where people are being fun and flirty for Art Basel. Frolic on the beach, hit up some parties and get INSPIRED! Channel your inner creative being that's dying to come out to play by reserving a gallery space (or a sidewalk! Art can happen anywhere!!!) and performing an art piece called "My Man" where you line up guys who look exactly like your bf and fuck them one by one, screaming your man's name the entire time. He will be so flattered by your commitment to immortalizing your love for him that he'll be sure to tell everyone he knows about your newfound career! Once you've gotten some buzz, take your performance art on the road. People all over the world will be dying to see you do your thing, and your man will be so proud! #CosmoSexTip
cosmosextips Hot Names to Call Your Man During Sex: Daddy, Bubba, Silly Billy, Big Rig, Mr. Big, Fuck Machine, Donkey Kong, Deerhunter, Grandpa, ATM, Muffin Man, OJ (Simpson), Joe (Simpson), Lumpy, Ass Master, Pussy Monster, His Dad's Name, Linus, Sausage King, Child Molester, Kitty Tamer, JonBenét, Old Yeller, Romeo, Cowboy, Direct Deposit, His Brother's Name, Bill (Cosby), Ted (Bundy), Fatso, Muscle Man, His Best Friend's Name, Sick Fuck, Verne (Troyer), Cutie Man, Wire Transfer, Lord of the Dongs, Tinky-Winky, Walrus Cock, The Rock, Clit Killer, Shopping Spree, Angela (Lansbury), Aflac Duck, Voldemort, Ebola Bitch, Cunt Wrangler, Skittle Kisser, Katniss, Sergeant Fucker, Power Ranger, Vitamix, Jim (Carrey), Gumby. #CosmoSexTip
cosmosextips Love Velcro: While your man is sleeping, gently coat his pubes with a thick layer of superglue. Be extra careful not to wake him! Now apply a layer to your own pubes and mount your man, pressing your sticky groin against his until the glue bonds and your pubes are fully attached to each other. Wake Mr. Sleepyhead up by simultaneously sticking your fingers in his mouth and lightly stroking his cock. Once he starts to get hard, slide him inside you and start to grind. When he realizes he's stuck to you, lean into him and sexily whisper "Dreams do come true, big boy. Now we'll always be together." #CosmoSexTip
